Pajamas or Martinis
There comes a point in one's life when you realize, "hey, I'm getting old." In the south, unfortunately, this comes a lot earlier than other parts of the country because it seems like most people down here get married right out of college. Fortunately, though, this feeling isn't a result of getting up and looking in the mirror (I don't get tans for more than one reason, thank you!)
It happens when wedding invitations start slowing down to a mere two or three a year and birth announcements start popping up. Then it hits you when you find yourself in a different part of the department store holding up equally small, but significantly less transparent, pieces of clothing: You're old!! Your friends aren't not only married, but reproducing. (Which I guess that means that one of my first gifts worked out pretty well ;)
I caught a few minutes of "How I Met Your Mother" tonight. I don't know the characters names, but the one guys brother who was visiting told the group of 20 something New Yorkers, that they had to go out. They had to do it for the kids in a basement in Wisconsin dreaming of being in New York. They had to go out for them because they were debating if they were going to hang out in the parking lot of a feed store or in someone elses basement. I looked down at my pajamas and thought. Wow. That's so true. Then I thought, "I'm glad never fulfilled the nearly life long dream of a Manhattan loft, because I would be just as boring there as here. But there! It would all be twice as depressing."
Sometimes (okay most of the time) I feel that I have lost who I was, who I wanted to be. Part of me is okay with that because I enjoy this new journey of living for Christ and denying some desires that aren't His will. But I also think that maybe by losing sight of "what I want to be when I grow up" I've lost sight of how to dream big. I believe that God delights in us being challenged, because the more we are challenged the more we need Him.
When I was young and thought about what I would be when I was....ummm.....okay....nearly 26, I wanted to be a lot of things, and when I really sit down and think about it, I am those things. I'm well educated, well traveled, I have the best friends in the world and an extremely loving and supporting family, I have a good job, I'm not in debt, and my place is coming together to look pretty cool eventually (I mean it will never be a Manhattan loft, but it's decent for here).
I don't feel like I have a hole in me that needs to be filled, but something is definitely missing. What's most irritating is that it feels like the answer is behind a door I'm standing in front of but can't open because the key hasn't been made yet. [sigh] Patience, grasshopper, patience.
"Glory and honour are in His presence;
strength and gladness are in His place."
1 Chronicles 16:27 KJV
strength and gladness are in His place."
1 Chronicles 16:27 KJV
posted by Mrs. Harmon @ 2:45 PM
2 Comments:
Hmm... yeah, I know the feeling about sitting at home on a Friday night and wondering why I'm not doing or being something else than I am doing or being. But I waited... and waited... and waited... and now, I'm getting to be and do what I think I was supposed to be and do all along, but I didn't know what that was. Of course, I'm sure I don't know everything yet of what I'm supposed to be and do, but I feel like I have permission now to start learning. It took me until seminary to find out a lot of it. I guess I never really had a lot of "Friday night" friends until then. My friends at A&M were more the "go eat dinner together" or "go on mission trip" kind. Somehow, I was never a part of the "go out dancing" group, or the "pick a cool place to go that no one would have thought of" group, or anything. Somehow, I always felt like I was playing catch up. Most of it was my fault for various reasons, but I let go of a lot of things at seminary, and grew because of it. I mean, at seminary, I wasn't the main attraction or anything, but I got invited to people's places and parties (sometimes). Instead of being the one asking, I actually would have people say to me, for the first time in my life, "Hey, do you want to do something tonight?" I actually went clubbing once! (It was a pointless experience because I'm not a player, but still, I went.) And I guess, now, I'm finally starting to know what it means to be what I wanted to be. After all those years of waiting, I think it's happening, and it's cool. But at the same time, I had to shed parts of who I thought I was, but really wasn't. Most of that happened before I met Ashlee, which is good, because she might not have given me the time of day the way I was before seminary (which definitely explains my dating life in college). So anyway, I'm rambling just to say, I know how you feel, I hate how that feels, and I wish you God's blessings as you continue to search for who God intends you to be, even as I do myself. And blessings on finding your fish ring, and whatever it was in your life that that entailed. (I'd like to know, but I don't feel I should ask. I'll let you tell me if you ever want to.) Blessings.
I am glad to see you on here!!... I have enjoyed your blog... I feel the same in many ways..
Post a Comment
<< Home